I just can’t…the pain is visceral. But thank you for sharing.

30 years.

In love with an autistic man…..

There is a song “when you’re in love with a beautiful woman, it’s hard”. I bet you are singing it now if you are over 50. I propose a new one: “when you’re in love with an autistic man, it’s befuddling”. Doesn’t scan as well but it hits the spot.

If you are married to an autistic man you will probably do quite a lot of important things alone: menopause, grief, loss, joy, hurt, life changes. That isn’t to say he isn’t there, but his presence is what you get and no more. If you are also a late diagnosed autistic woman it becomes ever more complex. Spending decades as a high masking undiagnosed autistic woman leaves one exhausted and that late diagnosis, albeit welcome and a relief, also starts a fresh journey which can be just as exhausting, putting life events into a new context, managing some of the grief and confusion, the regrets and the relief that ensue. But that also means you can start to unpick your mans behaviour and feelings, to begin the pathway to understanding both you and your man – and why two autistic people stumbled across one another and spent a lifetime together in a tangle of love, misunderstanding and anxiety – and grasp how and why you are where you are and to start to shuck off some of the shackles of anger and confusion that have settled into the creases of the relationship. And there will be some. And then some more.

Being in love with an autistic man presents a wealth of opportunities for muddle and hurt as well, of course, as love and comfort. There are times, especially when one is angry, that the autism can seem eclipsed by potential narcissism, the need to control and dominate his environment and the “my way or the highway” is smothering, and a wifes undiagnosed autism does not equip her for relationship confidence. The tendency to blame oneself is huge, default apology and retreat are common, not understanding things makes mental flagellation so easy. It is genuinely befuddling.

Typically (I use that word cautiously it has to be said) an autistic person struggles to understand how relationships work. Imagine what a barrier – an invisible barrier – that constructs! And if you get two of us it not only doubles but it multiplies. Drifting through a fog of muddle and failing to understand what is happening when things misfire is as exhausting as the high-masking behaviour. I am surprised we do not spend more time just sleeping. Oh, wait, insomnia. Lying awake re-playing every syllable of an argument or conversation, brain cogs whirring to little or no effect trying to understand. Phrase most often used in a dual autism relationship? “I don’t get it”.

Loving someone is the best. Being loved is the best. The best, but not the easiest, especially in that twinned autistic dance (except dancing would be too tricky for clumsy non-touching people). We should be clear, though, that loving someone is a risky business, autistic or not. People take that risk all the damn time and being autistic is not a block to that. We just need to know about it and know it has its own unique challenges, and those challenges will be different for every autistic person because – guess what – we are all unique.

My own takeaway from a late diagnosis? Sadness, mainly. I am filled with the what-ifs and might-have-beens if I had been identified earlier. One thing I don’t regret is the autism itself, it is an asset and now I feel it and see it it becomes just part of me. And being one half of a dual autistic marriage is….interesting…. I retain my curiosity.

As in all relationships, which are confusing at the best of times, it goes without saying that being an autistic person doesn’t preclude also being a narcissist or bastard. They can co-exist in one person which is not to say they always do…..just that they may.

Quick disclaimer. Any resemblance to people living, dead or in a hinterland is coincidental, allegedly…..

Patrick Finucane. A good summary from Ian.

Parliament discussed the Murder of Patrick Finucane

Who are we including today?

Gosh I am tired of the word inclusive. Of course we need to be inclusive of humans of all sorts, to refuse to exclude people based on nebulous and random biases, but that word is being used by so many people in so many different ways to justify a continuation of division and a refusal to have difficult conversations rather than remain in an echo chamber.

Also, there are some things and people we may think should be excluded. There are people who should never be free from prison again because of their crimes and the evidence that they are unlikely to change, remaining too high a risk to society, challenging though that may be to hear. Men have no place in women only spaces. There are numbers of refugees in need of our help and support, many of whom are lovely and some of them are not very nice – perhaps we should exclude the not very nice ones? None of which is an excuse to be ghastly, to use a demographic characteristic as a means of unfair exclusion. It is just the reality

I think what I am saying is we have become polarised – intentionally, by those with their own agenda – which stops us having realistic humane challenging conversations for fear of vilification, cancellation or abuse. The “if you are not with us you are against us” ethos that prevents change or challenge. If we do not have those difficult conversations, and soon, nothing will change. The bullies will win. The powerful will remain powerful. People will continue to be blamed for things based solely on appearance or the nonsense in the gutter press – which these days is just about all of it.

I advocate we are brave, take the risk of being wrong or being challenged, change our minds, say things that some may not want to hear and listen when people disagree, ask questions, difficult questions, hear the responses. Take some control and understand that the power comes from the words we use. Use them.

President Higgins to launch Fleadh 2024